We’re not meant to do this alone.
We really like to blame breastfeeding for all kinds of issues, don’t we? From dental carries to postpartum depression to saggy boobs, parents are often told to just stop breastfeeding and all will be well.
I call BS.
It’s not that I don’t believe that breastfeeding can be detrimental to mental health. ANYTHING has the potential to impact mental health.
But what often makes breastfeeding difficult is a lack of support. Breastfeeding support is hard to come by, but so is support more generally. It’s hard to practice a new skill like breastfeeding 12x a day when you’re also responsible for doing the dishes, feeding yourself, making a living and caring for other children.
Lack of social support is a risk factor for perinatal mood disorders (PMADs), including postpartum depression.
Here’s a list of risk factors for PMADs from Postpartum Support International. The ones that are within our control (at least somewhat) are in orange.
History of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, psychosis
History of diabetes or thyroid issues
History of PMS
History of sexual trauma or abuse
Family history of mental illness
Traumatic pregnancy or delivery
Pregnancy or infant loss
Birth of multiples or baby in the NICU
Single mother or teen mother
Relationship issues
Financial struggles
Little to no social support
Challenges with breastfeeding
Not only can strengthening your support network reduce your risk of PMADs, it can also help you navigate any challenges with breastfeeding.
“I’m good. I’ve done hard things before and I’m used to being independent.”
I totally get that. I’ve been there too, my friend.
What I’ve learned after raising 2 sons with very little family support, is that just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it.
This is about creating a good experience of parenting. One where you’re having your normal human needs met, and your child is directly benefiting from that.
When you’re a parent, there is nothing selfish about caring for your needs, because your wellbeing has a direct impact on your child.
With that in mind, let’s dive into getting your needs met and building your support.
“I’ll worry about this once the baby is here.”
Doing this work is one of the most overlooked aspects of baby prep. It’s not as sexy as buying cute furniture and wall decals, but I would argue, the nursery can 100% wait. Your baby probably won’t be spending much time in that nursery for a while - plus they don’t care what’s on the walls.
What shouldn’t wait is getting a really good start on building a support network, and getting really good at asking for what you need.
While you’re pregnant, take the time to map out what your needs will be and who you’ll be able to turn to. Here’s a list of ideas to get you started.
Food: Who’s gonna bring you a delicious casserole, pot of soup, or pick up that sub you’re craving?
Household care: Those sheets covered in milk and other fluids aren’t gonna wash themselves. And those dishes are gonna pile up. Who would you ask to do these tasks?
Running errands: Picking up groceries, medications, more cat food, and diapers is a great task to pass off to someone. To make it super easy, just place an order for pick up!
A great listener: Who is that person who can be there to really listen without judgement, and won’t give you unsolicited advice or platitudes like “Well, at least you have a healthy baby.”
People who care about you, as much as or even more than, the baby: Once you’re no longer pregnant, most people’s attention will shift to the baby. Who will give you that unconditional love and attention that you need and deserve?
So start making a list. Who can you rely on to meet your needs?
Sometimes hiring someone might be the best (or only) option. If your budget allows, consider hiring a postpartum doula, housecleaner, babysitter for older kids, therapist, dog walker, landscaper, etc. Only you know what’s important to you.
And if your baby is already here, start making a list now. It’s never too late.
“My friends and family are already planning to help.”
Even if they’ve offered help, you need to be specific.
If you don’t, you’re probably developing assumptions about what people will do for you. Inevitably, you’ll be disappointed by what people actually meant when they said they would help you.
Some people say they’ll help but mean that they’ll come over once with a few onesies and hold the baby while expecting to chat with you. Then the baby will start crying and they’ll pass them back to you and head out the door.
So, yeah. Get specific. When people offer to help, ask them how they would feel about doing “xyz” and see how they respond.
“My partner will be home for x number of weeks. We’ll be fine.”
Even with the most supportive partner on family leave, you’ll need more help.
For most of human history, there were 6 or more people raising a child in addition to the parents. Now that we live in nuclear families instead of in community, there’s a lot more burden on the parents. This creates stress between the parents, and with the child.
Again, you CAN do it, but that doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
Also, your partner probably cannot be all things for you. You’ll need a group of people to meet all your different needs. Even if your partner is great at cooking and cleaning, they may not be the most empathetic listener (especially when sleep deprived.)
“I really don’t like asking for help. I’d rather just do it myself.”
I was the same way for many years. I prided myself on my independence and saw it as a badge of honor.
Many of us also don’t like asking for help because we fear that people will judge us, or think less of us. We don’t want to disappoint or burden others. I hate to break this to you, but you’re this is being a people-pleaser.
Pregnancy is a great time to practice communicating your needs with your partner and others in your network. It may not feel comfortable right away, but with practice, it will start to feel natural.
Be as clear as possible:
“I’m feeling more run-down today and would like to get to bed early. Can you clean up after dinner so I can do that?”
“I’m spiraling about something that my boss said to me today. Can I process this with you? I don’t need your advice - I’d like you to listen without judging.”
You’re actually strengthening your relationships when you ask for what you need. Being asked to help tells someone that you trust and value them.
Your baby will be watching how you communicate with others and will imitate your interactions. How do you want your child to communicate with others when they’re older? Start modeling what you want to see in them.
What does adequate support make possible?
Even the most patient and chill people need to care for themselves instead of just caring for others. When you have a baby, they’re demanding care 24/7. You will eventually need to take a break to care for yourself.
Having support is like having a relief pitcher. When your arm gets tired, having a fresh new pitcher step in will keep the team in the game. (Sorry - I grew up in a baseball family and these analogies slip out sometimes.)
One of the best ways to manage the complex feelings of postpartum, is to have at least 10 minutes to yourself every day. More is better. With good support, you can make sure that this happens every day.
When you regulate your own nervous system, not only do you feel better, but the people around you (yes, including your baby) will also feel better regulated. Parenting will be more peaceful.
You’re not needy or selfish for wanting support. You’re a human who’s honoring her needs, and by doing so, building a strong family system.
It’s all connected.
If you’re pregnant, this guide will walk you through the 5 steps to confidently start breastfeeding, partly by building your support network.
To read more about partners stepping up, go here.
To read more about releasing expectations, go here.
If you or someone you know is concerned that they may be experiencing a PMAD (perinatal mood and anxiety disorder), Postpartum Support International has great resources including a hotline, support groups and a directory of trained perinatal mental health specialists.
