How the mental load broke me (and what I did to fix it)

My husband had just had his ass handed to him. By me.

I wasn't proud. And at the same time, I felt a weight had lifted.

I had reached my limit and snapped. Here's the thing - for years it felt like I had been the CEO, manager and pit crew running our family, and I was DONE.

It's not that he wasn't helping. My husband is a really good person who cares deeply about me and our kids, and he wants to be an equal partner in our family. But he didn't know how to do this effectively.

So it fell to me to manage everything. Meals, groceries, doctor's appointments, carpooling, communication with schools, finding gifts for our whole family (yes, even his mom...), you name it - I carried most of the mental load.

And I was done. This wasn't what I signed up for. So…I vomited all my frustrations onto him - my sweet husband.

But truthfully - I wish I had done it earlier. Just without the vomiting.

I wish I had seen the patterns that were quietly developing in those early days of parenting.

I wish I had seen the part I was playing.

I wish we had talked about our roles so much earlier, before the resentment and anger crept in.

It took us a while to get to a place where my husband felt the confidence to take the initiative, rather than waiting for instructions.

It took a while for me to let go of that sense of control, and to learn that he was going to do things in his own way - not mine. And if I wanted a full partner, that meant letting him be himself - not expecting him to be a carbon copy of me.

💬 What We Did to Repair It

My husband and I both took this problem seriously. Once we both acknowledged what wasn't working, the repair could begin.

As much as we both wanted it to be fixed overnight, we recognized that it was going to take time, patience and intention. This meant:

1. Checking in on a regular basis. Couples therapy was helpful for this but when we didn't have time or money for it, we scheduled a regular check-in where we could discuss what was working well and what wasn't.

2. Lowering expectations. A lot of parents expect perfection from themselves and their partner. It's unrealistic and damaging. We decided to be "good enough parents." We went to bed early instead of putting all the toys away (they would just be pulled out again in the morning anyway!).

3. Making time for ourselves. As parents, we all need time to rest and fill our cups back up. Instead of being resentful that my husband was taking time to exercise, I told myself that exercise will help him be a more present partner. And I made sure I got time for myself too.

4. Leaning on supportive networks. We don't have family nearby, but we established a supportive network of friends with kids the same age as ours. We traded childcare with these friends for years.

5. Outsourcing where we could. When we had the money in the budget, we hired babysitters, cleaners, lawnmowers, snow removers, and ate prepared foods for many of our meals.

🍼 Why This Matters So Much for Breastfeeding Parents

These tips can help any parent — but they’re essential for breastfeeding parents going back to work.

Because when you’re navigating milk supply, bottle feeding, and pumping at your job…
An unbalanced mental load won’t just wear you down — it can sabotage your feeding goals and make the return to work feel impossible.

That’s why I created something to help.

👉🏽 The Breastfeeding Parent’s Return-to-Work Checklist gives you a week-by-week prep plan that removes the guesswork.
You’ll know exactly what to do, when to do it, and what to pack — so you can stop spinning and start feeling more in control.

It’s one step toward a more supported return — and the peace of mind you deserve.